My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
