We tried having a conversation with our noses.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
BRING THE BAGELS
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
