I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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