Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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