I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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