I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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