My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
