i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
