I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
