I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
