I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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