Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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