I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
