Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
