Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
