one word: firstdatebathroomanal
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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