I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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