Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
we're making bets on your personal life
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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