Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
