we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
