At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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