Just took my morning after pill in the library
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
