now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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