Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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