sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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