I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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