My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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