If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
