I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
