Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
