my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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