The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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