There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
