Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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