Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
