the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
