I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
