sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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