When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
