STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
