i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
