Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
