I wish they made helmets for livers.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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