I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Porn is love you can see.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
