Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
