I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
