I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
