she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
