end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
