I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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